Archive for the ‘Week 22’ Category

Week 22 – Betty Jarra

Posted: August 27, 2011 in Betty Jarra, Week 22

As you will understand from this weeks post all my flying lessons posted here were done a year ago and from now on, with Stig no longer alive, will be continued as if last year is still now and the present being the same as the past and the future.
And since time is relative I am still following my “path”  and mirroring myself in my clearest mirror ever, Stig.

Flying Lesson 22

Once again I remember that this is a gift to myself.
I give myself Stig.
A little more time with my reflecting mirror. And he reflects more clearly than ever. The reflections shining in competition with reality until I become totally infatuated and in the end can barely distinguish them from each other. Everything can be seen just as clearly as I want it.

Our flying lesson is a drive through town.
I ask Stig to drive since my brain is too busy to correct it’s imbalances and not in the right mood for controlling this flight . And also to enjoy having a private chauffeur while my brain is disconnected and I’m simply being. A gift to myself!

His phone comes up instantly. Either to make a call on or trying to fix stuff on it, and finally because there’s an incoming call. I sit quietly and become the person I always was, smarter and more capable than ever. While he is driving I become that good girl who takes care of the gear lever while my chauffeur handles the stearing with one hand and the phone with the other as the handsfree function was not possible to fix while driving.

I shift gears and timing it exact and perfectly with the foot on the clutch, not my own foot, making me even more perfect. When I sometimes miss the timing, since my brain return to it’s own disengaged mode, Stig switches between stearing and shifting gears on his own and I damn myself for not being perfect enough.
Not once do I open my mouth to ask him to stop or to talk another time.

When we have passed through the city center, stopped at countless red lights and with difficulty and in a well timed driving synch manage to make our way through several roundabouts it eventually starts to simmer inside.
Why doesn’t he tell the guy he’s driving and can talk later?
Only much later, I’m able to see myself in the mirror ……… why am I not telling him ……. that my brain is disconnested, that I need more attention, want more of myself to myself, don’t want to be that good girl anymore?
Shortly after I start to simmer inside Stig says that he will call back later.

Again the fears came sliding up and all my defenses kick started with supersonic speed.
I am, I’m visible, I’m important ….. even if you do not see me, but because I am capable!
I am far from the sky and runways, even though I practiced flying all day. Probably because most of the day we practiced crashes in this flight simulator.
I’m by now capable of crashing perfectly! I never miss the ground with a single millimeter. I destroy myself mercilessly with each new attempt, as effective as if I had crashed for real. In the end all the pilot warning lamps are flashing angry red, the aircraft totally unusable without any lifting force left.

Stig says I’m doing great!

We finally arrive to our destination with the car as well and Stig in control of everything. The time is nice, as opposed to all my fears, and new times are booked in the flight simulator.
How lucky I am, I am still visible. I cannot be sure of if it’s because I am good enough or if I’m actually quite visible and important anyway. I decide to continue to rely on the path.

He says he will not go away and confirm that I am seen.

reflected visibility

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