Week 6 – Betty Jarra

Posted: May 8, 2011 in Betty Jarra, Week 06

 Flying Lesson 6

At last, walking home from work, in sunshine!
With my workplace at a perfect distance, getting these gifts is supposed to be enjoyable.
Then I get stuck in the same track again, evasive maneuvers and thinking. Maybe I don’t really need to…., or if I only do it a little….. or maybe I don’t really have to walk aaaaaaaall the way…..
I insist that it is a gift just for me and the thinking calms down.

Because this is how I balance the two, my demands and my defiance, continuously. They keep fighting within me and I keep on whipping them both forward, encouraging their fight.
At least that’s how it’s been, first the demands (with guilt as it’s persistent little sister running close behind) and then defiance, as both a life buoy and a sinking stone at the same time, so as not to constantly run headlong straight into the wall as we do when we do just to do.

Anyway, right here and now I walk, at just the right betty pace, with arms swaying and happy thoughts. Had done some incredibly good practicing on the kids just before my walk. Confirming them and took my time with each one of them. My colleague, who is usually the rock to lean on, had however lost her grip. She had strange and irrational outbursts of anger and threats in between love and care. Interesting to witness, very sad to hear. Especially since these young kids already knew all the tracks on her broken record.
Why do we persist to poke new dark holes into kids with our big meddlesome fingers? When we really don’t need to.
Anyway I was practising the opposite, patience and acceptance.

I think I’ve almost reached phase 1 in my flying classes. Maybe finally learned the first thing one needs to know when flying high.

So I walk at the right pace again, explaining to myself that every step I take is a gift of love to myself.
Take the tram through the tunnel (I will probably one day walk up and down the hill instead, when it’s enjoyable enough) get off and walk, all the way to the diner where Helga left her mittens on our last walk.

Coming home happy and very tired.
Strange how one can become so tired from being patient and happy.

(when horse flies bite, it’s good…)
…to roll in dirt, it gives hard skin
[August Strindberg]


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